ok hear me out: Luigiana
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
All set.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.