OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.