“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
You Might Also Like
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo