ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
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who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
😂💯
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet