Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
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If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.