OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
You Might Also Like
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?