Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
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If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I came this close!!!!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
The game has officially changed 😎
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?