Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
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First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them