“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.