Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
You Might Also Like
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
$4 #usedbooks
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.