ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
girls literally only want one thing..
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.