@DarkerWillow

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

You Might Also Like

@TheAndrewNadeau

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

@_Mo_lee_

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

@omically

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

@steveolivas

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

@Book_Krazy

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

@pizzajaynow

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

@Erin1137

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

@CulturedRuffian

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

@Caissie

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”