Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

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Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.


Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space


*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*


I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.


[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away



She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.


No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?


If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic


The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.


I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”