Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
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My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
When news reporters do sports stories
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
My love language is hissing.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?