Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
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Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.