Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying