ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
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if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.