Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.