“OK men, spread out.”



“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”


Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

You Might Also Like


In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.


Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.


“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”


Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.


arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”


When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.


When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.


I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’


🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge