@JimmerThatisAll

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

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@HenpeckedHal

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

@beefman138

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

@UncleDuke1969

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

@bylinetd

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

@Holy_Mowgli

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

@shaun__gunner

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@TheSharona06

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

@deloisivete

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge