“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
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*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.