ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
accurate
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”