Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
repaired
Bit chilly again tonight.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
#NoRestForTheWicked
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years