Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Is your wife single?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
me
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
#oldknees
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus