Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My favorite female superhero
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
#dnd #ttrpg
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?