OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
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You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.