“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Just say no
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.