Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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it was love at first sight
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”