Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
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Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.