Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
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Lmbo
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people