“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
You Might Also Like
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
An odd boast
Happy birthday to all the women
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
bro what is going on at twitter
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait