Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Haha good job!!
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Guy who likes music
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.