Ok team, today we’re …..oh
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Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards