“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
crying
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow