ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
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is it earth
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool