@TommySiegel

ok this is my dumbest yet

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@Lisabug74

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

@midnightwhale

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

@Lani_Hayden

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

@iheartgunts

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

@keithedwards

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

@edfoxcomedy

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”