Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.