“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Fight
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya