ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Crying is a sign of leakness.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*