“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
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“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie