Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
You Might Also Like
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.