Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
You Might Also Like
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Yes, but it was never about money
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.