Ok who’s got my black socks?
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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
The absolute effort that went into this omg
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My love language is deader than Latin
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.