Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Breaking news:
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie