Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
No, he would not have.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage