Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
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GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Challenge accepted.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table