okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
#ParentingFacts
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times