Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
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My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.