OKAY DAD
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If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Yup….perfect score!
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
True
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Some of y’all tomorrow …
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.