Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
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All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
The three genders.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.