OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
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I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My five year plan is a meteorite
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”