Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Life cycle of cat