Okay, I’m still confused…
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If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.