Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.